confession # 10: i got baptized

once upon a time, i was 11 years old. i prayed the sinner's prayer, then i got baptized.

ok, so let's be honest. it was more like the i-don't-wanna-go-to-hell-so-this-prayer-will-be-my-fire-insurance-but-it-probably-won't-change-my-life-in-any-other-significant-way prayer. it didn't really mean much to me. 

i was under the impression that since i had prayed that certain prayer that it made me a Christian. like magic. repeat this prayer and abra-ca-dabra, you're saved and you can go on living however you choose and doing whatever you want and God will answer all of your prayers for cute boyfriends and big boobs and popularity. 

except not really. just because i repeated those words did not mean that i knew Christ as my Lord and Savior. if i had truly known Him, then my life would have been way more about Him and way less about me. it was certainly all about me.

as i entered into high school, my need to have me at the center of the world took precedence.

i was insecure.

i was needy.

and i wanted to be cool, dang it.

so i did a lot of things that did not make me happy. i said a lot of things that were inappropriate. i was a lot of things that were gross. i craved acceptance.

that's what happens when i let me become the center of the universe. miserable dysfunction. you see, people aren't made to work that way. we're made to orient our lives around Christ. through Him and by Him and in Him and for Him all things are. He's the center of the universe. He literally holds the world, including us, together. so, without Him, i was not a properly functioning person. and i knew it. i could feel it. like i was drowning in the expectations of others. suffocating under the weight of trying to fit in.

thankfully, towards the end of high school, the Lord placed some inspiring Christians in my life. ones who were intentional and sincere. ones whose faith genuinely changed the way they lived. ones who challenged me to see if the way i lived my life matched what i said i believed.

it did not. God used 1st John 1:5-10 to open my eyes:

⁵ This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. ⁶ If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. ⁷ But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

 ⁸ If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. ⁹ If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ¹⁰ If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

this passage described me. i had been claiming Christ while living in darkness.

and, oh, i was so weary of that darkness.

the Holy Spirit used 1st John to literally send me to my knees. there, broken on the floor,
i confessed my sin of living for myself,
i repented of my filthy ways,
i submitted to Christ.

as cliche and silly as it may sound to those of you who have not experienced this, after finally deciding that i needed Christ and without Him i was not whole, i felt the burden of the world lifted.

like being pulled up out of mirky, freezing, immobilizing waters and taking that first breath.

finally, i was me and that was ok. i was free in Christ to be exactly who he had made me. and He knew me. and He still chose to love me. i knew that God loved me with all of His heart. and i was lovely because HE loved me. not because i wore the right clothes, or said the funniest things, or had the perfect figure.

i was me and i was lovely. always and only because HE loves me.

since this true conversion experience, which happened years ago, i had not been baptized...

until yesterday.

wanting to be faithful and obedient to what Christ has called His followers to do, i was baptized in a lake with 6 others from North Wake Church.

and what a blessing it was.

so, all that to say, i got baptized, y'all. just wanted to let you know.

AND i wanted to sincerely apologize to any and everyone who may have been led astray by me claiming Christ while still walking in darkness. i pray for you. really, i do. you may not think i remember you, but i probably do (i'm pretty adept at facebook stalking.)
i pray that you may know the freedom and security that only Christ brings.
i pray that you may know what it feels like to breathe in Him for the first time.
i pray that you may know the joy of being who He created you to be.
i pray that you learn that you are lovely because HE loves you.

always and only because Christ loves you.

confession # 9: we all need grace

me: asher! don't go that way! we have to go this way to the car!
asher: i wanna go dis way.
*he turns and starts to walk the opposite way down the sidewalk
me: asher! we're already running late. come back this way!
*he stops, but doesn't follow the rest of us
me: fine! you go that way! me and brother and daddy are getting in the car! you can stay here! BYE!
*he hangs his head
bryan: come on, bud. it's time to get in the car.
*asher makes a pouty lip and looks up at his daddy with tears in his eyes
bryan: what's wrong, asher?
asher: mama jus tell me bye...
bryan: oh, bud, she didn't mean that. she wants you to come with us. she loves you.

i was exhausted. really, i was.


i had a cold. i didn't feel good at all.


oh, AND i had my period. 


you know, it had been a long week. 


and we were running late. 


he should've obeyed the first time and then i wouldn't have gotten so upset. 

these were the excuses that went through my head-all true, mind you-when i saw my sweet son's teary eyes. my first temptation was to justify the frustrated and hurtful remarks i had made to him with those pitiful excuses. thankfully, the Lord crushed my pride and forced me to think through what i had done. i had just threatened to leave my 2 1/2 year old son on the sidewalk because he took a few steps in the wrong direction...and, even worse, he believed that threat. in my prideful frustration and anger, i tried to force my child to obey by threatening his security which is an awful and terrifying thing to do to a child.

ouch. what a jerk. worse than a jerk. what a terrible mama.

so, after we were all in the car and driving,
me: asher, i'm sorry for saying that, bud. of course, i want you to come with us. i love you.
asher: yeah. you want me to come too.
me: yes, i do! i was just frustrated. i should never have said those things. i'm so sorry, bud.

let me just confess that even after acting so awfully, i didn't apologize as quickly as i should have. i tried to justify my behavior for a good few minutes of driving before the Lord really prompted me to apologize to my son. shame on me.

i'm so thankful for the grace of God in parenting. i'm so thankful that He never threatens to leave even when i indulge my own disobedient, sinful heart. in fact, He promises to never leave or forsake us (deut. 31:6).

may i continue to daily depend on the grace of God so that i may learn to daily impart it to my sweet children.

confession #8: i love harry potter...and Jesus

bryan and i really love harry potter. in fact, we spent a big chunk of our honeymoon reading harry potter out loud to each other. it was lovely. i know a lot of christians don't like harry potter because of the witchcraft and wizardry part, but most of the ones that i hear say that have never actually read a single page of the books so i can't help but not take their uneducated opinion very seriously. the main reason i like harry potter is not because it makes me want to be a witch when i grow up, but because the overarching theme of these books is the battle of good versus evil. when i think of harry potter my first thought isn't one of sorcery, but of sacrifice. so many good, noble characters risk their lives, their families, and everything they know to try to fight the good fight against the evil that is steadily taking over their world. in some of the books, it seems like all hope is lost. it looks like good doesn't stand a chance against the ever-present and ever-growing evil.  in the end, the characters' sacrifices are worth it because good kicks evil's booty in an epic last battle that brings tears to one's harry-potter-reading eyes.

good wins.

whether we realize it or not, i think this is the reason so many of us love good ol' HP. we long for good to kick some booty. we want to know that it's worth the fight. we want to believe that in the end our sacrifices to make things better meant something. we need to know that despite how things may seem and no matter how strong of a foothold evil seems to have, it will be defeated eventually.

i think the reason that some people have a problem with believing in God is because most of the time, it seems like evil has won in our world. if God is really good, if He is who He claims to be, then why do such bad, awful things still happen?

what those people need to understand is that we are still living in the midst of a beautiful, ongoing story where evil seems to be the victor, but PRAISE GOD that as the author of this story He has already let us know how it's really going to end.

He has assured us that our sacrifices do indeed mean something.
He has encouraged us to continue to fight the good fight.
He has promised us that Good wins.

because of the death and resurrection of JESUS CHRIST, we have absolutely nothing to fear when making these sacrifices while fighting this fight because CHRIST has conquered death once and for all. if we die while fighting for the good of CHRIST, then we gain life eternally and never really taste death at all. THANK OUR SAVIOR that because of His sacrifice the world and all it's evil has been conquered. PRAISE THE LORD that because of His beautiful resurrection, CHRIST will be returning to kick evil's booty one final epic time and every single sorrow and hardship and nasty evil thing will be vanquished and wiped away from this earth.

let us not forget that the battle is not over, even though the war was won when CHRIST died and rose again. let us not forget that we are still in the midst of our story and even when it seems like evil has won we will continue to sacrifice, we will continue to fight, we will continue to hope because we know in the end, because of our sweet SAVIOR and all that He is and all that He did and all the He does and all that He will do-

GOOD WINS.

confession #7: i'm guilty too

earlier today i posted this facebook status:
"it bothers me when christians post youtube videos of socially awkward people singing and then make fun of them. don't get me wrong, i know they shouldn't have put ridiculous videos of themselves up for all the world to see, but how do you brutally make fun of those types of people on facebook and then go and minister to those same types of people in your life and church? it just seems a little twisted to me..."

it's an issue that has bothered me for a while now as i've been noticing that it's become quite a trend in facebook world even among my christian friends. i probably should've just kept my thoughts to myself. i now realize that this probably wasn't something to be discussed on facebook. i've been stewing over the issue all day since i posted it and i feel the need to apologize...

because i'm guilty too.

i think the same reason that people laugh at those videos is the same reason that people laugh at awkward people who fail miserably on those american idol try-outs because they can't sing but think they can. i need to confess that i have laughed plenty of times at those poor people. i have also been convicted of this because when i really think about why it feels so good to laugh at those people's expense i realize it's because i'm a sinner. i like to watch others fail because it makes me feel better about myself. i like to laugh at people who are weirder than me or uglier than me or more socially awkward than me because it makes me feel pretty dang good thinking that i'm not so bad after all. i have a filthy, self-absorbed sinner's heart and laughing at other's expense is just one way in which i let the whole world see it.

however, the Lord has been convicting me of these things and now when i see others on facebook or wherever making fun of these types of people, it hurts my heart. i get upset. i think, "what if that were my sweet asher? or my little buddy, nate? i would be heartbroken if i saw the awful comments people were making about them." and i think, "those poor people probably get made fun of every day by jerks like me. am i accurately representing Christ by teasing them??" like my mama always said: just 'cause every body else is doing it, don't mean it's right.

i know that it's the work of the Holy Spirit in my life that has transformed my heart and that is why i stand staunchly by these convictions. BUT just because He has changed my thoughts doesn't mean i have the right to press my convictions on others...and it certainly doesn't me that i am not guilty of very similar things in other areas of my life.

so, all that to say this: i apologize. i am guilty too.

confession #6: why we're straight up crazy parents

1. we're seriously considering homeschooling
not because i want my kids to live in a christian-bubble-pseudo reality, but because i want to have the chance to build a firm foundation before i thrust them into the hard-knock public school system. i want them to be confident and capable of making their own decisions without being swayed by the public opinion. i want them to spend the majority of their time in a loving, encouraging, and secure environment and to not have to worry about keeping up with everyone else. i want them to have some idea of who they are and who they want to become before a bazillion different people are telling them a bazillion different things they have to say and do to be "cool." i've heard horror stories of kids having sex in the 5th grade, of lesbianism being the cool thing to do in middle school, and of a first grader bringing a condom to school and explaining what it is used for. don't get me wrong, i totally understand that homeschooling won't make my children's lives problem-free and easy breezy and i don't want them to be sheltered, anti-social mama's boys, but i believe (and have seen) that homeschooling can be done effectively and non-awkward-children-producingly. so scoff if you want, but we're considering giving it a try.

2. our kids will never have cable TV access or computers in their bedrooms
thus far in our lives, the Lord has blessed us with two sweet, baby boys who will eventually become two, maturing teenage boys.

and teenage boys like to look at naked girls.

and pornography is way too easily accessible and way too dangerous.

therefore, as long as they're living under our roof, they will never have a computer or cable tv in their room. they just won't. end of discussion. i don't care how responsible and innocent they may seem, easy-eye access to sex and naked girls is just too much of a temptation for most teenage boys to resist (and latest statistics show this applies to girls now too.) their future wives can thank me later.

3. we won't teach our kids that santa claus is a real person
why do people get so worked up about this issue? some people get really upset when we tell them this. i mean, it's not like we've decided to lie to our kids and teach them that a fictional character is real so that we can use him to manipulate their behavior thus teaching them to live a works-based lifestyle so that if they're "good" by a certain fictional character's standards then they get rewarded for it...oh, wait. and what about the kids whose parents can't afford tons of presents? does that teach them it's because they're perpetually naughty? a professor at NGU once told us that when he found out his parents had been lying to him about santa claus that it shook the foundations of his faith in Christ as well. if his parents were lying to him about that, then why should he believe the stories about God that they had told him? that's pretty much when we decided that believing in santa wasn't really worth it. the issue isn't that we want to stifle their imagination, but that we don't want to outright lie to them. we don't mind if our kids enjoy watching santa movies and reading santa books, but we refuse to play the santa's-really-watching-you game. please don't try to make us feel like we are ruining their childhood. there are other ways to encourage an awesome imagination. i promise we won't condition them to break the news of santa's fictionality to every kid they meet. this is a interesting article by mark driscoll on the subject.

4. they won't have a cell phone until they are driving
call me crazy, but why do 8 year olds need cell phones? i am terribly confused as to why your young child would be in a situation where there's not an adult around with access to a phone in case they need to get in touch with you. when they're old enough to drive by themselves and they may need a cell in case of an emergency, then they can have one. go ahead, i already gave you permission to call me crazy.

5. we will discipline 
please, parents, take the time and effort to discipline your children. do it for their sake. no one wants to be around a bratty, spoiled, gotta-have-my-way-or-i'll-pitch-a-fit whiner baby. i certainly don't want to have to endure them and i don't want my kids picking up any of their bad habits. teach your kids right from wrong. i understand that kids have little rebellious sinner's hearts just like the rest of us and sometimes they are disobedient and selfish no matter how well-disciplined they are, but sometimes they are brats because their parents just won't get them under control. we have decided to dare to discipline our children (thanks, dr. dobson, for that catchy phrase) no matter how difficult or tedious or repetitive it may be, it's worth it for us and them in the long run.

i told you, we are straight up crazy parents...

and we're decidedly ok with that.

confession #5: i never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom

it's true. i always imagined i'd get a couple of degrees so that i could get a good money-making job so that our family could enjoy the material comfort that i thought desirable. i did not picture myself squeezing every last penny out of a tightly budgeted, way below poverty-level income so that we could barely pay all of our bills and maybe splurge on micky d's dollar menu as a treat once in a bazillion years. however, after i had nate, it just made more sense for me to stay at home with the boys. i found myself beginning to feel worthless and aimless as a stay-at-home mom. i thought that surely God created me for more than doing house chores and changing poopy diapers. i'm a pretty smart girl. i could get a few more degrees and contribute to society in a pretty significant way, right? my friends have cool degrees then got cool jobs that came with really cool salaries. why shouldn't i?!

despite my initial self-pitying, whiner baby mood, i have thankfully, through different books, speakers, and seminary classes, learned the importance of mommyhood and homemaking. through these different means, i learned that being a wife and a mother is a very high calling indeed. making sure the home is a place of refuge where everyone feels loved, encouraged, and comfortable is a tough job, but it produces wonderful, life lasting results for husband, wife, and children. this article, entitled "Motherhood" by Dale Hanson Bourke, pretty much sums it up:
Time is running out for my friend.

We are sitting at lunch when she casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." What she means is that her biological clock has begun its countdown and she is considering the prospect of motherhood.

"We're taking a survey," she says, half jokingly. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say carefully.

"I know," she says. "No more sleeping in on Saturdays, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I mean at all.

I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of childbirth heal, but that becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will be forever vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never read a newspaper again without asking "What if that had been my child?" That every plane crash, every fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will look at the mothers and wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think she should know that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will immediately reduce her to the primitive level. That a slightly urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might successfully arrange for child care, but one day she will be waiting to go into an important business meeting, and she will think about her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure he is all right.

I want my friend to know that everyday routine decisions will no longer be routine. That a visit to Mc Donald's and a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's room will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that danger may be lurking in the rest room.

I want her to know that however decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years, not so much to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish his.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or stretch marks will become badges of honor.

My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the ways she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is always careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his son. I think she should know that she will fall in love with her husband again for reasons she would never have imagined.

I wish my modern friend could sense the bond she will feel with other women throughout history who have tried desperately to stop war and prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your son learn to hit a baseball. I want to capture for her the laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real that it hurts.

My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes.

"You'll never regret it," I say finally.

for all of the luxuries and financial security that a career could bring, i will never regret being a full time mommy.

confession #4: NOT a size small

it's been a while since a confession. i was out of town for a week and then i just got behind. i've been mulling over a few different ones over the weeks and may try to catch up this week, but for now here's the most recent one.


it's true. i am no longer a size small. i realized that was something i needed to deal with when i began to notice myself getting a little depressed when a size small shirt didn't fit. ridiculous thoughts would swirl through my head:

"am i getting fat? no, you're not that fat. although, you could stand to lose some of that arm flab. and those love handles! sheesh, woman! you've really let yourself go.  no wonder you don't fit into that dainty size small! do they make a size 'blob'?!"

okay, so maybe they weren't that ridiculous, but they were pretty close. i actually found myself getting a little depressed that i may need to buy a medium (or heaven forbid, a large?!) shirt. this past time my brain took off in this direction, this thought hit me:

"what in the world am i doing to myself? i'm definitely not a size small and i'm OKAY with that. i've had two sweet babies and babies do strange things to a woman's body. they makes things bigger and droopier and flabbier and stretch-markier and not-a-size-small-anymoreier and that's OKAY. i will never again look like i did as a sixteen-year-old-bikini-wearing-spring-breaker and that's OKAY. i am not a teenage girl anymore. i am a woman and it's OKAY to have a woman's body!"

tis strange the body issues that women come up with. i don't think i've ever met a woman that was completely happy with her body.  it may not be a weight issue, but there's always that mole that shouldn't be there. or her hair color isn't quite as lovely as that other lady's. or her teeth are just so minutely crooked that it's just hideous! i have those kinds of issues too. and they are just as ridiculous as my flabby ones.

here's where i'm going with all of this: what do these crazy thoughts say about our Creator? the sweet, intentional, work of His hand is being repeatedly bashed by my silly insecurities. to say i'm not happy with myself is to say i'm not happy with who HE created me to be. i wonder what He has to say about all of this? psalm 139:13-16 come to mind. letting those destructive thoughts creep in is definitely NOT praising my Creator for how wonderfully i am made.

 

they make me think of my own sweet "creations" and how much i love and cherish their "imperfections." how those differences make them more special and unique to me. how angry i would be if anyone made fun of my sweet stinker's adorable squished pug nose, or his precious little lisp, or his humongo toddler feet. those are MY BABY's features and because they are his they are lovely and right and perfect for him.



i have a feeling that Our Sweet Creator feels the same way. because He has made us and because He loves us, we are lovely just the way we are...flab and all.

confession #3: binge reading

hi, my name is elise.

and i'm a book binger. 

i'm incapable of reading a good book at a leisurely pace. 

i just finished the hunger games trilogy.  i read the 1st book in 2 days, the 2nd in 1 day, and the 3rd in a 1 1/2 days. each book is close to 400 pages. i would've finished the last one quicker, but it was the weekend so bry was home and his parents came to visit which meant that i tried to actually participate in real life instead of allowing myself to be totally and only absorbed in the stories of fictional characters. it's tough for me to do that.  i know that i binge on books. i'm aware of this weakness, so i take breaks between reading so that i can be fully present and engaged in the real world for while. 

all that to say, i have a deep affection for good literature and think it provides wonderful benefits to individuals and society as a whole, but i don't think i've read my Bible once since i started reading this series.  every free moment that i could've spent reading my Bible was put into reading these books. and while i've certainly enjoyed pondering morality and ethics and the absurdity of utilitarian beliefs while reading them, i have not spent time seeking God's truth through His word. 

this is a problem because my sin snuggles down and gets a little more comfortable when i don't hold my life up to Truth each day. it only takes a bit of time away for my focus to zero in selfishly on me. i need to be in the Word to remind myself of who Christ is, what He's done, and who i am as a result of that. when i let God's word get bumped to the back burner, i don't think or live or love the way that i should. 

so my prayer this week is that God would give me a desire and passion for His story, the most amazing one of all, above all others. 

confession #2: what is the function of this crazy church establishment?!

i had in mind to confess some other depraved part of me this week, but my whole thought process has shifted and been overtaken by a whole new beast since our ladies accountability small group last night. it ended on quite an unresolved, gritty note and i've been trying to sort through what i think about it all. sparing the details, because it got pretty personal and i have no right and have made no promise to divulge any fears or flaws except my own, let me just say that i left wrestling with these questions bouncing around in my brain:

1. What is the function of the church and, as an extension of that, small group?
this was debated a little amongst our group last night. is the purpose of the church so that we, as individual believers, can come together and collectively learn more about God and His being through the study of His word? OR is it so that we can foster fellowship and genuine love and concern for our church "family" and then extend that love as an outreach to others? i understand that ultimately the answer would be "to glorify God and make His glory known to the ends of the earth" or something along those lines, but that answer doesn't tell me how to go about doing that and it isn't very helpful to my bouncing brain questions at all. so my conclusion is that the answer is C-all of the above. Of course, we're meant to study God's word so that we can understand Him better and know and love Him more, but as that happens our love for people should grow too. you can't take one and leave the other. in fact, i'm quite certain that without the love of Christ in me and the realization of what God has done through Him I can't love people properly at all. and it's hard to come to that realization of God achieving the seemingly impossible task of eternal reconciliation without taking the time to read and study how it happened in His word. and then you can't read God's word without seeing that He really, really cares about people. and He loves them a lot. and commands us to do the same. "love God. love people." (cliche I know, but still true, right?)
2. How do I express love to other people?
chocolate hearts and red roses? no, i don't even like roses. i think they're stinky. so that is not my 1st choice. sorry, valentine's day.
seriously though, how do i love people? i know 1 Cor. 13 is a beautiful example, but here's a few of my own. i listen to them. i engage them. i show interest in them. i spend time with them. i deal with their crap and keep forgiving. i hurt with them. i laugh with them. i hold them accountable. i encourage them. i am patient with them. i do not judge them. i genuinely want to be in their presence.
basically, i DO stuff with them. i am active in proving my words of love to be true. whether it's intentional or not.
3. Do I really love people or do I just pretend to because it makes me feel better about myself?
"Dear children, let us not love with word or tongue, but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18
that pretty much sums it up for me. i can say "i really care about you" or "hey, i love you so," but if my actions don't reflect that concern then i've relinquished the right to have my words trusted. that is a simple and heart breaking concept because all too often i find myself saying "i care" and really meaning " i kind of care, but only when it's convenient and helpful to me...and only if i don't have to leave the comfort of my house...and only if i don't actually have to make the effort to make deeper, personal conversation so that i can really get to know you...and only when we're at church and other people are watching...because real love gets messy...and quite frankly, i don't feel like cleaning up after you...but seriously, i really do care." c'mon, elise. really? does that sound like love? nope. that sounds like a pretty crappy deal.

and so this is where i'm at. examining myself and sorting out how to love. and whether or not i really love at all. and realizing it's not an option to love so i better get my junk together and figure out how to do it. and do it well. not this half-ass stuff that means nothing at all. and looks nothing like Christ. and that makes me think it's no wonder people don't want Christ if His people can't love. so it's imperative to get it down because  i am part of the Christ's church and i have to hold myself accountable to His standard of Love. the end for now.

p.s. sorry i said the "a-word". i was on a roll and couldn't think of a better adjective. it needed to be said. don't take it personally.

confession #1: bottle it up

i have a problem with bottling it up. and by "it" i mean anger or frustration or disappointment or...the list could go on. instead of dealing with whatever and whomever has incited these emotions i hold it in.
i let it marinate.
fester, really.
i let it get big and ugly.
some simple little mistake that could easily be dealt with and forgotten becomes an all consuming, nasty funk that i can't shake because i won't talk about it. sometimes i like to bathe in the sludge of it all.
i like to feel sorry for myself.
i like to be the innocent victim.
i like to blame everyone else.

the problem with bottling it up is that all that trapped emotion can't stay there forever. i guess for some people it leaks out here and there, but i am not one of those people. eventually, my bottle erupts (complete with incredulous tears) into ridiculous spews of accusations and onslaughts that have mutated from tiny miscommunications or unaware offenses into intentional, direct attacks and hurtful, premeditated actions. my poor husb gets the brunt of this emotional pile up reaction just because i spend the most time with him so he has more opportunity to offend than others. it's not because he's always doing things wrong, but because when some little thing does, indeed, bother me instead of just saying "hey, that hurt my feelings" or "i don't understand why you did that," i would rather take a roll in the sewer of self-pity.

the amusing part about this whole thing thing is that usually when i'm in one of these bottling moods i try to get back at the perpetrator. which is crazy because usually the perp doesn't even know i'm mad, so i always just end up wasting time doing silly little things that don't really make me feel better. for example,  just yesterday i got grumpy at bry (i honestly don't even remember why and it was literally yesterday. i'm dumb.) so i decided i was going to get back at him and put the freshly washed slip cover back on the couch by myself. this is a process that is really difficult for one person (especially me) to tackle because it requires one to move the whole couch and to wrestle with a stretchy, stubborn slipcover. it's really a two person job.  bry had already promised to do it, but, just to stick to him, i did it myself. and it was hard and awful. i was fuming and grumpy. in other words, i just made life more difficult for myself. when bryan saw it he knew exactly why i had done it. he called me out on it. he said "why didn't you just wait on me? i know it's because you were grumpy and you thought 'i'll show him!'" darn. he knows me too well.

let me just say, because i'm a sinner and need to save some tiny bit of face, this is not an everyday occurrence. honestly, i don't even think it's an every week occurrence (you can ask the husb to be sure). but it does happen. and it is ridiculous. and i do hate it. usually my husb has NO IDEA that he's offended me or that i've even been mad for hours. after i've spewed all over him, he says something like "why didn't you just tell me? why did you let it go so long?"

he handles it all with much love and grace. 

i'm certainly thankful for him. 

we usually laugh about it afterwards.

you'd think i'd have learned my lesson by now, but i'm still working on it. thanks for being patient with me, sweet husb. thanks for loving me with a Christ-centered love that endures despite flaws and imperfections and solo-job-slipcover retributions.