Saturday, September 17, 2011

confession # 9: we all need grace

me: asher! don't go that way! we have to go this way to the car!
asher: i wanna go dis way.
*he turns and starts to walk the opposite way down the sidewalk
me: asher! we're already running late. come back this way!
*he stops, but doesn't follow the rest of us
me: fine! you go that way! me and brother and daddy are getting in the car! you can stay here! BYE!
*he hangs his head
bryan: come on, bud. it's time to get in the car.
*asher makes a pouty lip and looks up at his daddy with tears in his eyes
bryan: what's wrong, asher?
asher: mama jus tell me bye...
bryan: oh, bud, she didn't mean that. she wants you to come with us. she loves you.

i was exhausted. really, i was.

i had a cold. i didn't feel good at all.

oh, AND i had my period. 

you know, it had been a long week. 

and we were running late. 

he should've obeyed the first time and then i wouldn't have gotten so upset. 

these were the excuses that went through my head-all true, mind you-when i saw my sweet son's teary eyes. my first temptation was to justify the frustrated and hurtful remarks i had made to him with those pitiful excuses. thankfully, the Lord crushed my pride and forced me to think through what i had done. i had just threatened to leave my 2 1/2 year old son on the sidewalk because he took a few steps in the wrong direction...and, even worse, he believed that threat. in my prideful frustration and anger, i tried to force my child to obey by threatening his security which is an awful and terrifying thing to do to a child.

ouch. what a jerk. worse than a jerk. what a terrible mama.

so, after we were all in the car and driving,
me: asher, i'm sorry for saying that, bud. of course, i want you to come with us. i love you.
asher: yeah. you want me to come too.
me: yes, i do! i was just frustrated. i should never have said those things. i'm so sorry, bud.

let me just confess that even after acting so awfully, i didn't apologize as quickly as i should have. i tried to justify my behavior for a good few minutes of driving before the Lord really prompted me to apologize to my son. shame on me.

i'm so thankful for the grace of God in parenting. i'm so thankful that He never threatens to leave even when i indulge my own disobedient, sinful heart. in fact, He promises to never leave or forsake us (deut. 31:6).

may i continue to daily depend on the grace of God so that i may learn to daily impart it to my sweet children.

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